Is my family out-of-control? Are my kids more challenging, my circumstances more difficult, or my mental wiring more loose than my neighbors, friends and colleagues? That is the question every parent asks themselves. If you haven’t, I’d love to know your secrets. If you have, I’d love to know if you ever answered the question definitively.
Every family is going to fit the description of “out of control” at certain moments, but there are definite signs of more chronic challenges with control. The first is that there is no identified plan or vision. Once parents hit the point where they are simply reacting and trying to keep up without clear direction, it is very difficult to regain control without focused effort. The reason is that life inevitably speeds up, instead of slows down like we all think will happen. If we don’t take the time to think through our approach, the tendency to simply react to external forces takes over.
The second sign is that negative emotion begins to interfere with everyday interactions with kids and/or spouse. If people continually argue, they fall into a defensive stance, paving the way for further argument. My son and I argued all the time because I was frustrated that he wouldn’t take responsibility, while he was frustrated because he felt like I was picking on him. The wild card was that I had never communicated my expectations clearly, so we went round and round in circles until our mutual desire to have a good relationship became hidden behind emotional barriers.
The third sign is that a family repeatedly has communication failures. Once again, all families will have some communication challenges, but it is a continual pattern that is most concerning. When people struggle to communicate, the natural reaction is to stop sharing feelings and ideas. This leads to poor coordination and lack of expectations. Perhaps the single most important change we made was incorporating a regular family meeting into our lives. This gives us a forum to talk about issues, coordinate our efforts, lay down expectations and monitor our success.
The final sign is a little bit more difficult to judge, as it requires true introspection. This sign is a significant gap between our actions and our priorities. I worked very long hours to try to provide for my family, but my emotional availability to my family was suffering. Until I spent the time to examine myself, I never realized there was such contradiction. Introspection is hard, but if a parent follows the path that I lay out in my book, Your Family Constitution, they should be able to assess how well-aligned they are with their priorities.
So, in short, all families are all crazy and out-of-control at certain points. Don’t be embarrassed…shout it out…then fix it. Steady improvement is a much more satisfying goal than perfection. If you keep that in mind and can make a truly objective assessment of your family, the road from out-of-control starts today.
Your book is a great idea and much needed in today’s society. The premise is similar to “The 21 Rules of this House”, which came out a few years ago in Christian circles.