Today I’d like to suggest parenting the constitutional way as the best solution for the modern family.

Parenting the constitutional way means parenting through structure. You can think of it as a middle way between the easy way and the hard way. The easy way gives too much weight to kid’s wants and opinions. The hard way dismisses them altogether. But the constitutional way of parenting harnesses kids’ energy and ideas and makes them partners in creating a clear set of rules and expectations for the family, and a clear set of rewards and consequences for enforcing them.

Note that I said “partners” and not “equal partners.” Kids are kids, and parents are parents – while the kids’ input is welcome and is always taken into consideration, the parents are the ones making and enforcing the rules. The constitutional way of parenting does not mean turning the family into a democracy, but it does mean improving family relationships and creating a system that encourages cooperation and enhances mutual respect and open communication.

The constitutional way of parenting means that there’s no need for children to use meltdowns and temper tantrums to achieve what they want. The Family Constitution lists their rights clearly, so the constant need to negotiate for more disappears. Children in constitutional households also know that tantrums would get them nowhere, so they don’t even try to use those.

The constitutional way of parenting also means that there’s no need for parents to use severe punishments or threats, since the Family Constitution clearly lists the rewards and consequences for the children’s actions. Instead of threatening, parents can simply follow the constitution and assign the appropriate reward or the consequence to their child’s action.

Photo by Steve Polyak

Today I’d like to discuss “parenting the easy way.”

Parenting the easy way is not really easy. It may SEEM easy in the short term, but as a long-term strategy, it’s quite disastrous.

Parenting the easy way means giving up the notion of discipline and boundaries. I often think parents who use this parenting style are afraid of their kids: afraid of their anger, their screams, their tantrums. So they give them whatever they want, and ignore any misbehavior.

These parents are not bad parents. On the contrary: they love their child deeply and want her to be happy. But they often don’t realize that children are the happiest when they have clear boundaries. Knowing you can get away with anything is actually a very scary experience for a child. Kids need to know that their parents are in control.

An example of parenting the easy way:

Mom and six-year-old Emily are standing at the checkout line at the supermarket. Emily grabs a bag of candy and places it in the cart. Mom says, gently but firmly, “no, Emily. We are not buying candy today” and puts the candy back on the shelf. Emily examines Mom’s face, looks at the other people at the checkout line, and promptly starts screaming. Mom looks nervously at the other people in line, and places the candy back in the shopping cart. Emily immediately calms down and starts chatting happily with mom.

Mom achieved temporary peace – but at what price to the family relationships? Emily now knows that a meltdown can get her anything she wants, and the more this happens, the more her belief that tantrums are effective will be reinforced. This scenario, and similar ones, will repeat until Mom finds the strength and the resolve to change her parenting style and stop choosing the “easy way” of parenting.

Photo credit: Jen