The habits we have make a difference in the people that we are and will become. This is especially true for kids. Unfortunately, good habits take a long time to develop and bad habits take a long time to break. So, what is a busy parent to do to help their kids develop solid working habits while managing their own adult habits.

I’ll answer with three words…CLARITY, CONSISTENCY AND COMMITMENT. It takes a lot more of your time to manage your kids work and productivity on a day-to-day basis. Although each kids is different, setting standard times to do homework and establishing clear performance expectations will take some of the pressure to stand over their shoulder.

Once the schedule and expectations are understood, nurture the habit by having goals with both rewards and consequences based on performance. Kids identify with “what’s in it for me”, so be creative and think of a couple of “carrots” to reward them with, as well as some negative consequences that will steer them in the right direction.

Setting good fundamental habits does not excuse you as a parent from lending help and being part of the teaching process. Make sure they understand that you are there to answer questions, but not to micro manage their efforts or to do their work for them. Teach them good study habits, memorization tricks, and time management techniques. Work with them until they embrace the tools to be successful (or create their own), then manage academic results and give yourself a break from arguing with a child each day about homework because he or she lacks a set schedule or understanding of what you want and expect.

If you want some ideas on different rewards and consequences you can use or want to find out more about a parenting tool to help you infuse clarity, consistency and commitment into all aspects of your home life, please visit www.yourfamilyconstitution.com.

Today I’d like to discuss “parenting the easy way.”

Parenting the easy way is not really easy. It may SEEM easy in the short term, but as a long-term strategy, it’s quite disastrous.

Parenting the easy way means giving up the notion of discipline and boundaries. I often think parents who use this parenting style are afraid of their kids: afraid of their anger, their screams, their tantrums. So they give them whatever they want, and ignore any misbehavior.

These parents are not bad parents. On the contrary: they love their child deeply and want her to be happy. But they often don’t realize that children are the happiest when they have clear boundaries. Knowing you can get away with anything is actually a very scary experience for a child. Kids need to know that their parents are in control.

An example of parenting the easy way:

Mom and six-year-old Emily are standing at the checkout line at the supermarket. Emily grabs a bag of candy and places it in the cart. Mom says, gently but firmly, “no, Emily. We are not buying candy today” and puts the candy back on the shelf. Emily examines Mom’s face, looks at the other people at the checkout line, and promptly starts screaming. Mom looks nervously at the other people in line, and places the candy back in the shopping cart. Emily immediately calms down and starts chatting happily with mom.

Mom achieved temporary peace – but at what price to the family relationships? Emily now knows that a meltdown can get her anything she wants, and the more this happens, the more her belief that tantrums are effective will be reinforced. This scenario, and similar ones, will repeat until Mom finds the strength and the resolve to change her parenting style and stop choosing the “easy way” of parenting.

Photo credit: Jen

Most of today’s parents grew up in households that were much stricter than the households they are running now. Many of us were spanked and punished on a daily basis. Many of us feel we could never do the same to our own children. But when we can’t follow the model that our own parents have shown us, it is up to us to find other effective ways to discipline our children. How do we do it differently while still setting clear boundaries for our children?

Many parents seem to think that if they love their children enough, and show that love, their children would eventually listen to them and respect their rules. But parenting doesn’t work this way. In fact, one the best parenting tips I can give you, one that I have learned the hard way, is the following:

Children need clear boundaries, and they will always test those boundaries before they are able to respect them. They want parents to have control, but they want them to EARN the right to have that control.

The only way to earn that right is to discipline, fearlessly and appropriately.

I used to be one of those parents who ignored the discipline issue. I was too busy with my career to stop and think about what was going on in my family. My parental expectations were not very clear, and I didn’t have a uniform method to enforce them. Instead of stepping back to reflect, I focused on short-term survival. The result: daily pressures had severely eroded our mutual respect and understanding. Positive communication between family members was almost non-existent.

Creating our Family Constitution – a clear set of family values and rules, and consistent ways to enforce them through a system of rewards and consequences – solved our family problems and relieved our family tension by adding structure, clarity and consistency to our lives. You are welcome to read more about our Family’s Constitution, and create your own, here.

Photo by Corey Ann