• Competition for grades and college;
• Inconvenience of shuttling kids to and from practices;
• Expense of league dues and equipment.

• I understand the stress and effort that it takes to keep kids active and engaged in sports. My family will continue to be unbelievably busy as long as I have to spend three or four days a week at the fields, but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I even acknowledge that it may make it more challenging for my kids to excel in school against stiff competition…but doesn’t that lead to self-discipline and efficiency

So why work so hard to keep your kids occupied in sports? Why go the extra proverbial “extra mile” to make sure your kids compete on the field as hard as they do in the classroom?

1. First, sports is a microcosm of life. It contains all the elements that people encounter throughout life, love and business: teamwork, competition, motivation, commitment, communication, adversity, victory and defeat.

Next, sports are also one of the best ways to keep your kids from picking up all the bad habits that older children and adolescents do when they have too much idle time. Body and mind stay in shape while occupied on the things that will help them grow and develop, as opposed to those habits that lead to atrophy and brain rot. Even when their not practicing and playing, their circle of friends will likely be concentrated around other likeminded kids and families who subscribe to the same activities.

Parents, engage your kids now and introduce them to the great experiences and passion that can last an entire lifetime. If you think you don’t have time or you kids can’t juggle school and sports, talk to some families who make it work, then make the adjustments to make it work for you. In the end, kids will only spend a finite amount of time on school work, so it is up to you to make sure that the rest of the time is filled with positive activities.

The habits we have make a difference in the people that we are and will become. This is especially true for kids. Unfortunately, good habits take a long time to develop and bad habits take a long time to break. So, what is a busy parent to do to help their kids develop solid working habits while managing their own adult habits.

I’ll answer with three words…CLARITY, CONSISTENCY AND COMMITMENT. It takes a lot more of your time to manage your kids work and productivity on a day-to-day basis. Although each kids is different, setting standard times to do homework and establishing clear performance expectations will take some of the pressure to stand over their shoulder.

Once the schedule and expectations are understood, nurture the habit by having goals with both rewards and consequences based on performance. Kids identify with “what’s in it for me”, so be creative and think of a couple of “carrots” to reward them with, as well as some negative consequences that will steer them in the right direction.

Setting good fundamental habits does not excuse you as a parent from lending help and being part of the teaching process. Make sure they understand that you are there to answer questions, but not to micro manage their efforts or to do their work for them. Teach them good study habits, memorization tricks, and time management techniques. Work with them until they embrace the tools to be successful (or create their own), then manage academic results and give yourself a break from arguing with a child each day about homework because he or she lacks a set schedule or understanding of what you want and expect.

If you want some ideas on different rewards and consequences you can use or want to find out more about a parenting tool to help you infuse clarity, consistency and commitment into all aspects of your home life, please visit www.yourfamilyconstitution.com.

But in other ways, I think our lives are much harder – certainly more complicated. Modern life is extremely fast paced, and technology makes the pace increasingly faster. It seems as though we forgot what leisure was all about.

Technology was supposed to create more leisure time, but instead, many people are using it to accomplish more work. In addition, economic turbulence in recent years and the steady rise in standard of living – and the need to maintain it – means that more and more families, including my own, are dual income families. This obviously creates even more pressure.

My own family has reached an extremely low point just a couple of years ago. Our family relationships were incredibly stressed. Our communication was almost non-existent. I am proud to say that I refused to let it go on. I forced myself to slow down and really examine my family relationships. I didn’t like what I saw, and I vowed to make a change.

Creating a Family Constitution enabled me to make that change, and to keep it. I have learned to slow down, to spend time with my family, and to create a structure of rules, rewards and consequences that erases the need for constant negotiating, arguing and whining.

Yes, modern parents are overworked and overtired, but we can still slow down a bit, take some of the pressure off ourselves and our kids, simplify our lives, and – above all – add some much needed clarity and structure through a Family Constitution.

Photo by rankun76

I believe in a Family Constitution because it was the tool that made me truly take the time and reflect on my family relationships and on what was wrong with them.

I believe in a Family Constitution because it enabled me to stop the chaos, the whining, the lack of consistency and clarity in my family. Instead, the structure that the Family Constitution added to our family enabled us to feel much closer to each other and to truly connect, for the first time in years.

I believe in a Family Constitution because it made me listen – truly listen – to my wife and kids and it also helped me to start spending more time with thwm, and enjoying every minute of it.

I believe in a Family Constitution because chores, allowance and kids’ responsibility are now effortless. There are no more arguments, whining or nagging. The kids know exactly what is expected from them, and they know exactly what are the rewards for being responsible and what are the consequences of being irresponsible. There’s no need for constant bargaining and arguing, because the rules are well established and are fair and clear.

I believe in a Family Constitution because it has transformed my family relationships from chaotic and stressful to blissful. I’m confident it can do the same for your family. Start creating your own Family Constitution today! Click here for more details.

Our kids are busy too: their schedules are often packed with after school activities and with scheduled play dates. For many reasons, including modern safety concerns, our kids rarely get to just go outside and play, unscheduled and unsupervised.

I’m not judging anyone here, by the way. My family is a dual-income family, and my kids are busy. These are the realities of our modern life, and while I believe that modern life creates difficulties when it comes to family relationships, I do believe that the conveniences of modern life are amazing and wouldn’t trade any of them!

However, there are tried and true ways to strengthen one’s family relationships. Here are three of them:

1. Spend more time together. Easier said than done? Not necessarily. You do need to truly commit to spending more time together as a family, and this can be achieved by scheduling family meetings and family outings in your calendar and keeping those appointments, just like you would keep a business meeting.

2. Create a Family Constitution. A family constitution will help you stabilize and improve family relationships by adding clarity and consistency to your family.

3. Listen. Many of us are so tired and stressed, we hardly ever listen anymore – to our kids and to our spouse. But these are the people we love. Their ideas and thoughts are important. Taking the time to truly listen to our loved one is a great way to improve family relationships.   

Photo by rekkid

In a recent post on this blog, I discussed discipline through a system of rewards and consequences. Today, I’d like to emphasize that when disciplining your kids, rewards and incentives are always the best way to go.

When parenting the constitutional way, you don’t want to focus on punishments. Punishments, or consequences, need to be there because rewards will not always work, and you want to make sure your kids suffer appropriate consequences if they don’t follow the rules.

But consequences are there just in case. What you really want is to encourage your children to follow the family rules because if they do, they will earn something that matters to them. You want chores to become a priority for them, because by doing their chores they earn an important privilege or a coveted reward.

When you get to that place, where your kids actually WANT to do their chores, and you don’t need to nag them or issue constant reminders, you will truly achieve better family relationships and family harmony – real harmony, not the temporary peace and quiet that you achieve when parenting the easy way
.

To make sure the rewards work, you need to listen to your kids before selecting them. Start by asking each of your children which rewards they would like to earn. Typical rewards could be an allowance, or extra allowance; clothes or toys; extended screen time; a later bedtime; and selecting a family outing.

Obviously, this will largely depend on the individual child and needs to be tailored to meet each child’s needs. The promise of a new item of clothing could make one child behave well for weeks, while leaving another child completely indifferent.

Once you have decided on rewards, FOLLOW THROUGH. Nothing erodes trust or respect more than broken promises. If you want Your Family Constitution to work for the long run, you must always deliver on an earned reward. Of course, you should also follow through on a consequence.

Photo by Dane Khy

There sure are many screen temptations these days for kids. It’s not just television and the Internet. There are computer games, console games, and Wii, not to mention iPod Nano, which enables them to watch movies anywhere, even on the go. Screen time is not even limited to the home anymore – kids can do it anywhere.

This may be very good for entertainment companies, but it’s very bad for kids. Our children need to play outside, interact with their friends and be physically active. Spending too many hours each day sitting around and playing on the computer contributes, according to many experts, to the obesity epidemic.

As parents, our job is to encourage our children to be more active, but since we are so busy and overwhelmed, it’s very tempting to just allow them to watch one more show or to play one more game.

Parenting the easy way would mean asking the kids to turn off the TV, but then – as soon as they start protesting – giving up and allowing them to watch more. In the short term, this certainly achieves peace and quiet, but in the long term, we are not doing our kids any favors by allowing them to watch too much TV.

Parenting the hard way would mean barking at them to turn off the television without providing any explanations. This would create unnecessary conflict and friction, and there’s also the risk of being inconsistent – sometimes letting them watch more TV (when you need to get some work done), and sometimes allowing them less screen time.

Limiting screen time the constitutional way means establishing a clear set of rules when it comes to how much time the kids are allowed to spend in front of a screen each day. Involve the kids in deciding how much daily screen time is reasonable, then establish clear rules to achieve this, which include appropriate rewards for following the rules and appropriate consequences for not following them.

A detailed example of “screen time rules” can be found on page 61 of my family guide, Your Family Constitution.

Photo by roxeteer

Today I’d like to suggest parenting the constitutional way as the best solution for the modern family.

Parenting the constitutional way means parenting through structure. You can think of it as a middle way between the easy way and the hard way. The easy way gives too much weight to kid’s wants and opinions. The hard way dismisses them altogether. But the constitutional way of parenting harnesses kids’ energy and ideas and makes them partners in creating a clear set of rules and expectations for the family, and a clear set of rewards and consequences for enforcing them.

Note that I said “partners” and not “equal partners.” Kids are kids, and parents are parents – while the kids’ input is welcome and is always taken into consideration, the parents are the ones making and enforcing the rules. The constitutional way of parenting does not mean turning the family into a democracy, but it does mean improving family relationships and creating a system that encourages cooperation and enhances mutual respect and open communication.

The constitutional way of parenting means that there’s no need for children to use meltdowns and temper tantrums to achieve what they want. The Family Constitution lists their rights clearly, so the constant need to negotiate for more disappears. Children in constitutional households also know that tantrums would get them nowhere, so they don’t even try to use those.

The constitutional way of parenting also means that there’s no need for parents to use severe punishments or threats, since the Family Constitution clearly lists the rewards and consequences for the children’s actions. Instead of threatening, parents can simply follow the constitution and assign the appropriate reward or the consequence to their child’s action.

Photo by Steve Polyak

Today I’d like to discuss a different style of parenting which is also quite common, and is just as harmful to family relationships: parenting the hard way.

Parenting the hard way is a tough, detached parenting. It is very different than parenting the easy way, but it too stems from parents being too stressed to give real thought to how they discipline their kids.

Parenting the hard way can manifest itself in different ways. You may find yourself raising your voice at your children or hurling insults at them. You may be punishing them often, severely.

Parenting the hard way used to work in generations past, when families were patriarchal and autocratic. Of course, even when it “worked,” it came with a price: fathers were often emotionally detached form their children. The children feared them, but did not feel close to them. Today, this way of parenting cannot work. Children have a right to be heard and respected. When you parent them the hard way, you end up pushing them away.

A sad example of parenting the hard way is mentioned in my book, Your Family Constitution [link]. A mother was trying to discipline her teenaged boy the hard way, by telling him that if he couldn’t follow her rules, he wasn’t welcome in her house anymore. Unfortunately, parenting the hard way seriously backfired: her son moved out to live with friends and never came back.

Parenting the hard way is incredibly risky. Next week, I will discuss a better way of parenting – parenting the constitutional way.

Photo by Tina Keller