When I started giving some real thought to the theory of parenting, instead of just putting out fires, I came to the conclusion that there are three distinct styles of parenting: parenting the easy way, parenting the hard way, and parenting the constitutional way.
Today I’d like to discuss “parenting the easy way.”
Parenting the easy way is not really easy. It may SEEM easy in the short term, but as a long-term strategy, it’s quite disastrous.
Parenting the easy way means giving up the notion of discipline and boundaries. I often think parents who use this parenting style are afraid of their kids: afraid of their anger, their screams, their tantrums. So they give them whatever they want, and ignore any misbehavior.
These parents are not bad parents. On the contrary: they love their child deeply and want her to be happy. But they often don’t realize that children are the happiest when they have clear boundaries. Knowing you can get away with anything is actually a very scary experience for a child. Kids need to know that their parents are in control.
An example of parenting the easy way:
Mom and six-year-old Emily are standing at the checkout line at the supermarket. Emily grabs a bag of candy and places it in the cart. Mom says, gently but firmly, “no, Emily. We are not buying candy today” and puts the candy back on the shelf. Emily examines Mom’s face, looks at the other people at the checkout line, and promptly starts screaming. Mom looks nervously at the other people in line, and places the candy back in the shopping cart. Emily immediately calms down and starts chatting happily with mom.
Mom achieved temporary peace – but at what price to the family relationships? Emily now knows that a meltdown can get her anything she wants, and the more this happens, the more her belief that tantrums are effective will be reinforced. This scenario, and similar ones, will repeat until Mom finds the strength and the resolve to change her parenting style and stop choosing the “easy way” of parenting.
Photo credit: Jen
Tags: Discipline, Parenting Styles
My son experienced the easy way of parenting in a really bad way recently. He was visiting his step brothers and sister who live in a rough part of town. (their mother’s choice, as that is where she is originally from)
They took him to the house of their 14 year old friend and he was doing whatever he pleased – smoking cannabis in front of his mother and shouting and swearing at her. Not a good way to wind up, but I’m betting many folks who use the easy way of parenting wind up like that. Apparently the kid does not even go to school because his mum won’t make him go.
I guess that in some cases this is a generational thing – chances are, the mums parents were just the same and she sees what she is doing as normal.
Oh – and no, he won’t be going there again and my step-children are banned from seeing the kid too. It might not be the boy’s fault he wound up like that but you’ve got to protect your own children too.
Hi Cath, what a great (if sad) example of parenting the easy way!
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thanks.