“But DAD! It’s not fair! You let us stay up late last night! Why not tonight?”
“Mom, please, can I watch just one more show? PLEASE?”
Sounds familiar?
This was part of my daily life until not too long ago. Whining, arguing, and fighting – I have come to almost accept them as part of having kids. But the emotional toll was high. We have become accustomed to constant confrontation and emotional bruising. I was not giving my kids clear directions, nor was I setting boundaries. They, in turn, did everything they could to ignore or change the rules. Whatever discipline methods I tried, they were not effective. It was exhausting, for all of us.
A major meltdown between my son and myself finally opened my eyes to the fact that something must change. It took me a while to realize what exactly was causing our family’s chaos and deep discontent. When I finally realized we simply needed a system of effective discipline through structure, I was finally on the path to healing our family’s emotional wounds and solving our family problems.
Structure has been added to our family through the Family Constitution. The Family Constitution, or parenting through structure, steers kids’ behavior by leveraging mutual understanding, clear expectations and prescribed incentives. First, you identify your values and set clear boundaries, or rules. Then, for each rule, you select rewards and consequences that are both appropriate and viable.
Encouraging kids to stay within boundaries by offering incentives is just as important as enforcing those boundaries with negative consequences. Rewards work even better when the kids are part of the process of selecting them. When it’s a reward they really want, they will make a real effort to follow the rules in order to get that reward.
These days, we argue a lot less with the kids, and we don’t micromanage their activities. They base their daily choices on a very simple formula: being accountable and responsible means reaping the benefits. Ignoring responsibilities means suffering the consequences.
Visit our homepage to receive more parenting tips, and to learn more about effective discipline and about improving your family life with Your Family Constitution.
Photo by Amy
Tags: effective discipline