The habits we have make a difference in the people that we are and will become. This is especially true for kids. Unfortunately, good habits take a long time to develop and bad habits take a long time to break. So, what is a busy parent to do to help their kids develop solid working habits while managing their own adult habits.

I’ll answer with three words…CLARITY, CONSISTENCY AND COMMITMENT. It takes a lot more of your time to manage your kids work and productivity on a day-to-day basis. Although each kids is different, setting standard times to do homework and establishing clear performance expectations will take some of the pressure to stand over their shoulder.

Once the schedule and expectations are understood, nurture the habit by having goals with both rewards and consequences based on performance. Kids identify with “what’s in it for me”, so be creative and think of a couple of “carrots” to reward them with, as well as some negative consequences that will steer them in the right direction.

Setting good fundamental habits does not excuse you as a parent from lending help and being part of the teaching process. Make sure they understand that you are there to answer questions, but not to micro manage their efforts or to do their work for them. Teach them good study habits, memorization tricks, and time management techniques. Work with them until they embrace the tools to be successful (or create their own), then manage academic results and give yourself a break from arguing with a child each day about homework because he or she lacks a set schedule or understanding of what you want and expect.

If you want some ideas on different rewards and consequences you can use or want to find out more about a parenting tool to help you infuse clarity, consistency and commitment into all aspects of your home life, please visit www.yourfamilyconstitution.com.

Every family is going to fit the description of “out of control” at certain moments, but there are definite signs of more chronic challenges with control. The first is that there is no identified plan or vision. Once parents hit the point where they are simply reacting and trying to keep up without clear direction, it is very difficult to regain control without focused effort. The reason is that life inevitably speeds up, instead of slows down like we all think will happen. If we don’t take the time to think through our approach, the tendency to simply react to external forces takes over.

The second sign is that negative emotion begins to interfere with everyday interactions with kids and/or spouse. If people continually argue, they fall into a defensive stance, paving the way for further argument. My son and I argued all the time because I was frustrated that he wouldn’t take responsibility, while he was frustrated because he felt like I was picking on him. The wild card was that I had never communicated my expectations clearly, so we went round and round in circles until our mutual desire to have a good relationship became hidden behind emotional barriers.

The third sign is that a family repeatedly has communication failures. Once again, all families will have some communication challenges, but it is a continual pattern that is most concerning. When people struggle to communicate, the natural reaction is to stop sharing feelings and ideas. This leads to poor coordination and lack of expectations. Perhaps the single most important change we made was incorporating a regular family meeting into our lives. This gives us a forum to talk about issues, coordinate our efforts, lay down expectations and monitor our success.

The final sign is a little bit more difficult to judge, as it requires true introspection. This sign is a significant gap between our actions and our priorities. I worked very long hours to try to provide for my family, but my emotional availability to my family was suffering. Until I spent the time to examine myself, I never realized there was such contradiction. Introspection is hard, but if a parent follows the path that I lay out in my book, Your Family Constitution, they should be able to assess how well-aligned they are with their priorities.

So, in short, all families are all crazy and out-of-control at certain points. Don’t be embarrassed…shout it out…then fix it. Steady improvement is a much more satisfying goal than perfection. If you keep that in mind and can make a truly objective assessment of your family, the road from out-of-control starts today.

 For years I fell into the trap that so many parents do, distributing attention according to which fire is hottest. The problem was that career needs were always most urgent, followed by family, then by personal. This left me as a very busy worker who rarely found personal time to re-charge. This charge to urgency reduced my effectiveness in all of my roles.

Parents need to step back and take time to prioritize, coordinate efforts, and communicate. When these three elements come together, parents can spend their time in accordance with importance rather than urgency. Parents who are organized, knowledgeable of and aligned with their priorities, and revitalized by pursuit of some personal interest will be much more balanced and prepared to deal with the many challenges of parenthood.

I’m interested in learning how other parents either balance their interests or hang on by the seat of their pants. If you fall into one of these categories, please speak up and let me know how you do it.