The habits we have make a difference in the people that we are and will become. This is especially true for kids. Unfortunately, good habits take a long time to develop and bad habits take a long time to break. So, what is a busy parent to do to help their kids develop solid working habits while managing their own adult habits.

I’ll answer with three words…CLARITY, CONSISTENCY AND COMMITMENT. It takes a lot more of your time to manage your kids work and productivity on a day-to-day basis. Although each kids is different, setting standard times to do homework and establishing clear performance expectations will take some of the pressure to stand over their shoulder.

Once the schedule and expectations are understood, nurture the habit by having goals with both rewards and consequences based on performance. Kids identify with “what’s in it for me”, so be creative and think of a couple of “carrots” to reward them with, as well as some negative consequences that will steer them in the right direction.

Setting good fundamental habits does not excuse you as a parent from lending help and being part of the teaching process. Make sure they understand that you are there to answer questions, but not to micro manage their efforts or to do their work for them. Teach them good study habits, memorization tricks, and time management techniques. Work with them until they embrace the tools to be successful (or create their own), then manage academic results and give yourself a break from arguing with a child each day about homework because he or she lacks a set schedule or understanding of what you want and expect.

If you want some ideas on different rewards and consequences you can use or want to find out more about a parenting tool to help you infuse clarity, consistency and commitment into all aspects of your home life, please visit www.yourfamilyconstitution.com.

In a recent post on this blog, I discussed discipline through a system of rewards and consequences. Today, I’d like to emphasize that when disciplining your kids, rewards and incentives are always the best way to go.

When parenting the constitutional way, you don’t want to focus on punishments. Punishments, or consequences, need to be there because rewards will not always work, and you want to make sure your kids suffer appropriate consequences if they don’t follow the rules.

But consequences are there just in case. What you really want is to encourage your children to follow the family rules because if they do, they will earn something that matters to them. You want chores to become a priority for them, because by doing their chores they earn an important privilege or a coveted reward.

When you get to that place, where your kids actually WANT to do their chores, and you don’t need to nag them or issue constant reminders, you will truly achieve better family relationships and family harmony – real harmony, not the temporary peace and quiet that you achieve when parenting the easy way
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To make sure the rewards work, you need to listen to your kids before selecting them. Start by asking each of your children which rewards they would like to earn. Typical rewards could be an allowance, or extra allowance; clothes or toys; extended screen time; a later bedtime; and selecting a family outing.

Obviously, this will largely depend on the individual child and needs to be tailored to meet each child’s needs. The promise of a new item of clothing could make one child behave well for weeks, while leaving another child completely indifferent.

Once you have decided on rewards, FOLLOW THROUGH. Nothing erodes trust or respect more than broken promises. If you want Your Family Constitution to work for the long run, you must always deliver on an earned reward. Of course, you should also follow through on a consequence.

Photo by Dane Khy

Today I’d like to discuss a different style of parenting which is also quite common, and is just as harmful to family relationships: parenting the hard way.

Parenting the hard way is a tough, detached parenting. It is very different than parenting the easy way, but it too stems from parents being too stressed to give real thought to how they discipline their kids.

Parenting the hard way can manifest itself in different ways. You may find yourself raising your voice at your children or hurling insults at them. You may be punishing them often, severely.

Parenting the hard way used to work in generations past, when families were patriarchal and autocratic. Of course, even when it “worked,” it came with a price: fathers were often emotionally detached form their children. The children feared them, but did not feel close to them. Today, this way of parenting cannot work. Children have a right to be heard and respected. When you parent them the hard way, you end up pushing them away.

A sad example of parenting the hard way is mentioned in my book, Your Family Constitution [link]. A mother was trying to discipline her teenaged boy the hard way, by telling him that if he couldn’t follow her rules, he wasn’t welcome in her house anymore. Unfortunately, parenting the hard way seriously backfired: her son moved out to live with friends and never came back.

Parenting the hard way is incredibly risky. Next week, I will discuss a better way of parenting – parenting the constitutional way.

Photo by Tina Keller

Today I’d like to discuss “parenting the easy way.”

Parenting the easy way is not really easy. It may SEEM easy in the short term, but as a long-term strategy, it’s quite disastrous.

Parenting the easy way means giving up the notion of discipline and boundaries. I often think parents who use this parenting style are afraid of their kids: afraid of their anger, their screams, their tantrums. So they give them whatever they want, and ignore any misbehavior.

These parents are not bad parents. On the contrary: they love their child deeply and want her to be happy. But they often don’t realize that children are the happiest when they have clear boundaries. Knowing you can get away with anything is actually a very scary experience for a child. Kids need to know that their parents are in control.

An example of parenting the easy way:

Mom and six-year-old Emily are standing at the checkout line at the supermarket. Emily grabs a bag of candy and places it in the cart. Mom says, gently but firmly, “no, Emily. We are not buying candy today” and puts the candy back on the shelf. Emily examines Mom’s face, looks at the other people at the checkout line, and promptly starts screaming. Mom looks nervously at the other people in line, and places the candy back in the shopping cart. Emily immediately calms down and starts chatting happily with mom.

Mom achieved temporary peace – but at what price to the family relationships? Emily now knows that a meltdown can get her anything she wants, and the more this happens, the more her belief that tantrums are effective will be reinforced. This scenario, and similar ones, will repeat until Mom finds the strength and the resolve to change her parenting style and stop choosing the “easy way” of parenting.

Photo credit: Jen

“But DAD! It’s not fair! You let us stay up late last night! Why not tonight?”

“Mom, please, can I watch just one more show? PLEASE?”

Sounds familiar?

This was part of my daily life until not too long ago. Whining, arguing, and fighting – I have come to almost accept them as part of having kids. But the emotional toll was high. We have become accustomed to constant confrontation and emotional bruising. I was not giving my kids clear directions, nor was I setting boundaries. They, in turn, did everything they could to ignore or change the rules. Whatever discipline methods I tried, they were not effective. It was exhausting, for all of us.

A major meltdown between my son and myself finally opened my eyes to the fact that something must change. It took me a while to realize what exactly was causing our family’s chaos and deep discontent. When I finally realized we simply needed a system of effective discipline through structure, I was finally on the path to healing our family’s emotional wounds and solving our family problems.

Structure has been added to our family through the Family Constitution. The Family Constitution, or parenting through structure, steers kids’ behavior by leveraging mutual understanding, clear expectations and prescribed incentives. First, you identify your values and set clear boundaries, or rules. Then, for each rule, you select rewards and consequences that are both appropriate and viable.

Encouraging kids to stay within boundaries by offering incentives is just as important as enforcing those boundaries with negative consequences. Rewards work even better when the kids are part of the process of selecting them. When it’s a reward they really want, they will make a real effort to follow the rules in order to get that reward.

These days, we argue a lot less with the kids, and we don’t micromanage their activities. They base their daily choices on a very simple formula: being accountable and responsible means reaping the benefits. Ignoring responsibilities means suffering the consequences.

Visit our homepage to receive more parenting tips, and to learn more about effective discipline and about improving your family life with Your Family Constitution.

Photo by Amy