In a recent post on this blog, I discussed discipline through a system of rewards and consequences. Today, I’d like to emphasize that when disciplining your kids, rewards and incentives are always the best way to go.

When parenting the constitutional way, you don’t want to focus on punishments. Punishments, or consequences, need to be there because rewards will not always work, and you want to make sure your kids suffer appropriate consequences if they don’t follow the rules.

But consequences are there just in case. What you really want is to encourage your children to follow the family rules because if they do, they will earn something that matters to them. You want chores to become a priority for them, because by doing their chores they earn an important privilege or a coveted reward.

When you get to that place, where your kids actually WANT to do their chores, and you don’t need to nag them or issue constant reminders, you will truly achieve better family relationships and family harmony – real harmony, not the temporary peace and quiet that you achieve when parenting the easy way
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To make sure the rewards work, you need to listen to your kids before selecting them. Start by asking each of your children which rewards they would like to earn. Typical rewards could be an allowance, or extra allowance; clothes or toys; extended screen time; a later bedtime; and selecting a family outing.

Obviously, this will largely depend on the individual child and needs to be tailored to meet each child’s needs. The promise of a new item of clothing could make one child behave well for weeks, while leaving another child completely indifferent.

Once you have decided on rewards, FOLLOW THROUGH. Nothing erodes trust or respect more than broken promises. If you want Your Family Constitution to work for the long run, you must always deliver on an earned reward. Of course, you should also follow through on a consequence.

Photo by Dane Khy

Last week, I discussed a common parenting style – parenting the “easy way.” It is a common parenting style, because parents are often stressed and tired. We want peace and quiet, and we want them now. We don’t feel strong enough to parent in a way that could cause friction and conflict now, even if it means achieving clarity and consistency in the long term. In other words, we’d rather avoid disciplining our kids because it’s hard work!

Today I’d like to discuss a different style of parenting which is also quite common, and is just as harmful to family relationships: parenting the hard way.

Parenting the hard way is a tough, detached parenting. It is very different than parenting the easy way, but it too stems from parents being too stressed to give real thought to how they discipline their kids.

Parenting the hard way can manifest itself in different ways. You may find yourself raising your voice at your children or hurling insults at them. You may be punishing them often, severely.

Parenting the hard way used to work in generations past, when families were patriarchal and autocratic. Of course, even when it “worked,” it came with a price: fathers were often emotionally detached form their children. The children feared them, but did not feel close to them. Today, this way of parenting cannot work. Children have a right to be heard and respected. When you parent them the hard way, you end up pushing them away.

A sad example of parenting the hard way is mentioned in my book, Your Family Constitution [link]. A mother was trying to discipline her teenaged boy the hard way, by telling him that if he couldn’t follow her rules, he wasn’t welcome in her house anymore. Unfortunately, parenting the hard way seriously backfired: her son moved out to live with friends and never came back.

Parenting the hard way is incredibly risky. Next week, I will discuss a better way of parenting – parenting the constitutional way.

Photo by Tina Keller