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Archive for July, 2009
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
Why is so hard to figure out the best way to manage the internet in your household? If you are like other parents in a recent survey, it’s because because of the double-edged sword it presents for the well-being of your kids, with growth and learning opportunities on one side, and the inherent opportunity to waste time and subject themselves to the negative forces of cyber spacer on the other.
As a parent, I live this conflict with my eleven year-old. I want him to be internet savy for the purposes of education and self-reliance, but I fear the day when hormones kick in and the internet vultures decend on him. If I remember correctly what it is like to be an adolescent boy, I don’t think he’ll be thinking through the social, developmental and financial repercussions of clicking over to view inappropriate material with his friends. Although I hope I am grossly incorrect, the lure of indecency to teenage boys has been a long-standing constant through the generations.
So, what can we do? The first thing is to identify what aspects of internet “opportunity” concern you the most. Is it the endless hours of violent video games that can isolate a child and impair the active lifestyle you envisioned?…the exposure to internet predators?… or the broad availability to satisfy every vice you can think of? Once you’ve crystallized your concerns, think about the various approaches to minimizing them in your household (see Common Sense Tips). Make a list of the rules and tools you would consider implementing, then weigh the potential effectiveness of each against the effort and/or impairments to ”good stuff” the internet offers.
Parenting is not easy. For all the convenience it creates, the connondrum it creates for parents is nothing short of staggering. In the end, all we parents can do is trust our gut, try different techniques, use available resources and hope for the best.
If you would like to know how the quantity of Screen Time (TV, video games and non-academic internet usage) that you allow stacks up against other households, take the online Parent’s Poll.
Posted in Internet, Modern Family, TV | No Comments »
Monday, July 27th, 2009
 One of the major challenges of parents today is that they are afraid to discipline their children. Discipline tools used in previous generations, such as spanking, are considered inappropriate by most modern parents. However, many of those modern parents haven’t found new tools to replace the old ones, and their fear of inappropriate discipline is so deep that they don’t discipline at all.
Most of today’s parents grew up in households that were much stricter than the households they are running now. Many of us were spanked and punished on a daily basis. Many of us feel we could never do the same to our own children. But when we can’t follow the model that our own parents have shown us, it is up to us to find other effective ways to discipline our children. How do we do it differently while still setting clear boundaries for our children?
Many parents seem to think that if they love their children enough, and show that love, their children would eventually listen to them and respect their rules. But parenting doesn’t work this way. In fact, one the best parenting tips I can give you, one that I have learned the hard way, is the following:
Children need clear boundaries, and they will always test those boundaries before they are able to respect them. They want parents to have control, but they want them to EARN the right to have that control.
The only way to earn that right is to discipline, fearlessly and appropriately.
I used to be one of those parents who ignored the discipline issue. I was too busy with my career to stop and think about what was going on in my family. My parental expectations were not very clear, and I didn’t have a uniform method to enforce them. Instead of stepping back to reflect, I focused on short-term survival. The result: daily pressures had severely eroded our mutual respect and understanding. Positive communication between family members was almost non-existent.
Creating our Family Constitution – a clear set of family values and rules, and consistent ways to enforce them through a system of rewards and consequences – solved our family problems and relieved our family tension by adding structure, clarity and consistency to our lives. You are welcome to read more about our Family’s Constitution, and create your own, here.
Photo by Corey Ann
Tags: Discipline
Posted in Modern Family | 1 Comment »
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
Is my family out-of-control? Are my kids more challenging, my circumstances more difficult, or my mental wiring more loose than my neighbors, friends and colleagues? That is the question every parent asks themselves. If you haven’t, I’d love to know your secrets. If you have, I’d love to know if you ever answered the question definitively.
Every family is going to fit the description of “out of control” at certain moments, but there are definite signs of more chronic challenges with control. The first is that there is no identified plan or vision. Once parents hit the point where they are simply reacting and trying to keep up without clear direction, it is very difficult to regain control without focused effort. The reason is that life inevitably speeds up, instead of slows down like we all think will happen. If we don’t take the time to think through our approach, the tendency to simply react to external forces takes over.
The second sign is that negative emotion begins to interfere with everyday interactions with kids and/or spouse. If people continually argue, they fall into a defensive stance, paving the way for further argument. My son and I argued all the time because I was frustrated that he wouldn’t take responsibility, while he was frustrated because he felt like I was picking on him. The wild card was that I had never communicated my expectations clearly, so we went round and round in circles until our mutual desire to have a good relationship became hidden behind emotional barriers.
The third sign is that a family repeatedly has communication failures. Once again, all families will have some communication challenges, but it is a continual pattern that is most concerning. When people struggle to communicate, the natural reaction is to stop sharing feelings and ideas. This leads to poor coordination and lack of expectations. Perhaps the single most important change we made was incorporating a regular family meeting into our lives. This gives us a forum to talk about issues, coordinate our efforts, lay down expectations and monitor our success.
The final sign is a little bit more difficult to judge, as it requires true introspection. This sign is a significant gap between our actions and our priorities. I worked very long hours to try to provide for my family, but my emotional availability to my family was suffering. Until I spent the time to examine myself, I never realized there was such contradiction. Introspection is hard, but if a parent follows the path that I lay out in my book, Your Family Constitution, they should be able to assess how well-aligned they are with their priorities.
So, in short, all families are all crazy and out-of-control at certain points. Don’t be embarrassed…shout it out…then fix it. Steady improvement is a much more satisfying goal than perfection. If you keep that in mind and can make a truly objective assessment of your family, the road from out-of-control starts today.
Posted in Modern Family, Truth and Lies, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Tuesday, July 21st, 2009
Can you answer this million-dollar question? Most parents feel the frustration of competing interests. How is it possible to advance career interests, raise healthy children, and enjoy a few moments for yourself? Is it really possible?
For years I fell into the trap that so many parents do, distributing attention according to which fire is hottest. The problem was that career needs were always most urgent, followed by family, then by personal. This left me as a very busy worker who rarely found personal time to re-charge. This charge to urgency reduced my effectiveness in all of my roles.
Parents need to step back and take time to prioritize, coordinate efforts, and communicate. When these three elements come together, parents can spend their time in accordance with importance rather than urgency. Parents who are organized, knowledgeable of and aligned with their priorities, and revitalized by pursuit of some personal interest will be much more balanced and prepared to deal with the many challenges of parenthood.
I’m interested in learning how other parents either balance their interests or hang on by the seat of their pants. If you fall into one of these categories, please speak up and let me know how you do it.
Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment »
Sunday, July 12th, 2009
Family structure in the United States has changed dramatically during the 20th century. Families have become much smaller, childhood has been extended into the late teens or beyond, and children, who used to become wage earners at a very early age, are now the focus of their parents’ investment, emotionally and financially.
Families have also moved from a strictly patriarchal structure to a more flexible pattern, where the mother and father are both heads of the household. As a result, the family decision-making process has changed from individual to joint decisions.
But does “joint decisions” mean that children should become part of the family’s decision making process too? Should the modern family function as a democracy?
My short answer is “No.”
Certainly children today are being heard, and respected, more than ever before. In my own family, for example, we hold weekly family meetings where we encourage input from all family members, including the children. When I crafted our family’s constitution [link to your home page], the children’s input was a big part of the process. In fact, listening to our children and including them in the process are a big part of the constitution’s success in finally bringing structure to our household and solving our family problems.
Having said that, I don’t believe families – even modern families – should function as democracies. As I explain in my book, in my own family, “kids share ideas, not authority.” We encourage our children to share their ideas and opinions. We are very open to their input. But the final decision is always ours. I believe children need boundaries and guidance in order to flourish. When given too much power, they become confused and scared.
Children need boundaries in order to grow safely and reach their full potential. Parents need boundaries in order to be able to enjoy their children while meeting their own needs. The Constitutional Way of parenting, as described in my book, harnesses kids’ energy and ideas, rather than dismissing their opinions. But the boundaries – set by us parents – are always there.
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Scott Gale’s book, Your Family Constitution, offers useful parenting tips to help you create a happier, healthier and more productive home life.
Photo credit: evilerin
Posted in Modern Family | No Comments »
Sunday, July 5th, 2009
“What’s in it for me?”
Any beginning marketer will tell you this is a question you absolutely must answer in order to get people to respond to you.
Sadly, it seems our children are asking the same question. Instead of asking, “how can I help?” they want to know what’s in it for them. Instead of accepting responsibilities that are a natural part of belonging to a family, they try to avoid being responsible and instead employ a “me first” approach to life.
As parents, a big part of our job is to make sure our kids get rid of their sense of entitlement. We must instill values, respect for the truth, confidence and a sense of responsibility in our children.
This is not an easy task. Most modern families sorely lack time. Modern life is fast-paced. Parents work many hours to provide for their families; kids’ schedules are busier than ever with school, homework, and after-school activities. Slowing down, sitting together and communicating – all keys to a happier family life – seem almost unachievable.
Another big challenge of the modern family is lack of structure. Families used to be patriarchal, and very structured. Rules were very clear: each family member used to have a clearly defined role in the family, a set of responsibilities and obligations that had to be followed.
While I wouldn’t want to go back in time to the way families used to be – for instance, I think fathers really missed out in previous generations when they were uninvolved in their kids lives – I do believe structure is extremely important to a healthy, functioning family.
My own family problems, and my own struggle to instill values in my kids in an age of entitlement, have resulted in “Your Family Constitution”: a down-to-earth, practical parenting guide that offers a modern approach to instilling family values and creating household structure, consistent boundaries and family harmony.
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Scott Gale’s book, Your Family Constitution, offers parenting tips to help you create a happier, healthier and more productive home life.
Photo credit: sugarpond
Posted in Modern Family | No Comments »
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