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Archive for 2009
Thursday, December 10th, 2009
In a recent post on this blog, I discussed discipline through a system of rewards and consequences. Today, I’d like to emphasize that when disciplining your kids, rewards and incentives are always the best way to go.
When parenting the constitutional way, you don’t want to focus on punishments. Punishments, or consequences, need to be there because rewards will not always work, and you want to make sure your kids suffer appropriate consequences if they don’t follow the rules.
But consequences are there just in case. What you really want is to encourage your children to follow the family rules because if they do, they will earn something that matters to them. You want chores to become a priority for them, because by doing their chores they earn an important privilege or a coveted reward.
When you get to that place, where your kids actually WANT to do their chores, and you don’t need to nag them or issue constant reminders, you will truly achieve better family relationships and family harmony – real harmony, not the temporary peace and quiet that you achieve when parenting the easy way
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To make sure the rewards work, you need to listen to your kids before selecting them. Start by asking each of your children which rewards they would like to earn. Typical rewards could be an allowance, or extra allowance; clothes or toys; extended screen time; a later bedtime; and selecting a family outing.
Obviously, this will largely depend on the individual child and needs to be tailored to meet each child’s needs. The promise of a new item of clothing could make one child behave well for weeks, while leaving another child completely indifferent.
Once you have decided on rewards, FOLLOW THROUGH. Nothing erodes trust or respect more than broken promises. If you want Your Family Constitution to work for the long run, you must always deliver on an earned reward. Of course, you should also follow through on a consequence.
Photo by Dane Khy
Posted in Discipline | 1 Comment »
Thursday, November 19th, 2009
 This is a common issue in most modern families. Many parents complain that their kids are watching too much TV, or playing too much on the computer, or in general devote too much of their day to what I like to call “screen time.”
There sure are many screen temptations these days for kids. It’s not just television and the Internet. There are computer games, console games, and Wii, not to mention iPod Nano, which enables them to watch movies anywhere, even on the go. Screen time is not even limited to the home anymore – kids can do it anywhere.
This may be very good for entertainment companies, but it’s very bad for kids. Our children need to play outside, interact with their friends and be physically active. Spending too many hours each day sitting around and playing on the computer contributes, according to many experts, to the obesity epidemic.
As parents, our job is to encourage our children to be more active, but since we are so busy and overwhelmed, it’s very tempting to just allow them to watch one more show or to play one more game.
Parenting the easy way would mean asking the kids to turn off the TV, but then – as soon as they start protesting – giving up and allowing them to watch more. In the short term, this certainly achieves peace and quiet, but in the long term, we are not doing our kids any favors by allowing them to watch too much TV.
Parenting the hard way would mean barking at them to turn off the television without providing any explanations. This would create unnecessary conflict and friction, and there’s also the risk of being inconsistent – sometimes letting them watch more TV (when you need to get some work done), and sometimes allowing them less screen time.
Limiting screen time the constitutional way means establishing a clear set of rules when it comes to how much time the kids are allowed to spend in front of a screen each day. Involve the kids in deciding how much daily screen time is reasonable, then establish clear rules to achieve this, which include appropriate rewards for following the rules and appropriate consequences for not following them.
A detailed example of “screen time rules” can be found on page 61 of my family guide, Your Family Constitution.
Photo by roxeteer
Tags: too much tv
Posted in TV | No Comments »
Thursday, November 5th, 2009
 We recently discussed two common parenting styles and saw why they don’t work. While parenting the easy way teaches kids that they can get away with anything, parenting the hard way is extremely damaging to the parent-child relationship.
Today I’d like to suggest parenting the constitutional way as the best solution for the modern family.
Parenting the constitutional way means parenting through structure. You can think of it as a middle way between the easy way and the hard way. The easy way gives too much weight to kid’s wants and opinions. The hard way dismisses them altogether. But the constitutional way of parenting harnesses kids’ energy and ideas and makes them partners in creating a clear set of rules and expectations for the family, and a clear set of rewards and consequences for enforcing them.
Note that I said “partners” and not “equal partners.” Kids are kids, and parents are parents – while the kids’ input is welcome and is always taken into consideration, the parents are the ones making and enforcing the rules. The constitutional way of parenting does not mean turning the family into a democracy, but it does mean improving family relationships and creating a system that encourages cooperation and enhances mutual respect and open communication.
The constitutional way of parenting means that there’s no need for children to use meltdowns and temper tantrums to achieve what they want. The Family Constitution lists their rights clearly, so the constant need to negotiate for more disappears. Children in constitutional households also know that tantrums would get them nowhere, so they don’t even try to use those.
The constitutional way of parenting also means that there’s no need for parents to use severe punishments or threats, since the Family Constitution clearly lists the rewards and consequences for the children’s actions. Instead of threatening, parents can simply follow the constitution and assign the appropriate reward or the consequence to their child’s action.
Photo by Steve Polyak
Tags: Parenting Styles
Posted in Parenting Styles | No Comments »
Thursday, October 22nd, 2009
 Last week, I discussed a common parenting style – parenting the “easy way.” It is a common parenting style, because parents are often stressed and tired. We want peace and quiet, and we want them now. We don’t feel strong enough to parent in a way that could cause friction and conflict now, even if it means achieving clarity and consistency in the long term. In other words, we’d rather avoid disciplining our kids because it’s hard work!
Today I’d like to discuss a different style of parenting which is also quite common, and is just as harmful to family relationships: parenting the hard way.
Parenting the hard way is a tough, detached parenting. It is very different than parenting the easy way, but it too stems from parents being too stressed to give real thought to how they discipline their kids.
Parenting the hard way can manifest itself in different ways. You may find yourself raising your voice at your children or hurling insults at them. You may be punishing them often, severely.
Parenting the hard way used to work in generations past, when families were patriarchal and autocratic. Of course, even when it “worked,” it came with a price: fathers were often emotionally detached form their children. The children feared them, but did not feel close to them. Today, this way of parenting cannot work. Children have a right to be heard and respected. When you parent them the hard way, you end up pushing them away.
A sad example of parenting the hard way is mentioned in my book, Your Family Constitution [link]. A mother was trying to discipline her teenaged boy the hard way, by telling him that if he couldn’t follow her rules, he wasn’t welcome in her house anymore. Unfortunately, parenting the hard way seriously backfired: her son moved out to live with friends and never came back.
Parenting the hard way is incredibly risky. Next week, I will discuss a better way of parenting – parenting the constitutional way.
Photo by Tina Keller
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Thursday, October 8th, 2009
 When I started giving some real thought to the theory of parenting, instead of just putting out fires, I came to the conclusion that there are three distinct styles of parenting: parenting the easy way, parenting the hard way, and parenting the constitutional way.
Today I’d like to discuss “parenting the easy way.”
Parenting the easy way is not really easy. It may SEEM easy in the short term, but as a long-term strategy, it’s quite disastrous.
Parenting the easy way means giving up the notion of discipline and boundaries. I often think parents who use this parenting style are afraid of their kids: afraid of their anger, their screams, their tantrums. So they give them whatever they want, and ignore any misbehavior.
These parents are not bad parents. On the contrary: they love their child deeply and want her to be happy. But they often don’t realize that children are the happiest when they have clear boundaries. Knowing you can get away with anything is actually a very scary experience for a child. Kids need to know that their parents are in control.
An example of parenting the easy way:
Mom and six-year-old Emily are standing at the checkout line at the supermarket. Emily grabs a bag of candy and places it in the cart. Mom says, gently but firmly, “no, Emily. We are not buying candy today” and puts the candy back on the shelf. Emily examines Mom’s face, looks at the other people at the checkout line, and promptly starts screaming. Mom looks nervously at the other people in line, and places the candy back in the shopping cart. Emily immediately calms down and starts chatting happily with mom.
Mom achieved temporary peace – but at what price to the family relationships? Emily now knows that a meltdown can get her anything she wants, and the more this happens, the more her belief that tantrums are effective will be reinforced. This scenario, and similar ones, will repeat until Mom finds the strength and the resolve to change her parenting style and stop choosing the “easy way” of parenting.
Photo credit: Jen
Tags: Discipline, Parenting Styles
Posted in Discipline | 4 Comments »
Thursday, September 17th, 2009
Regular family meetings are a great way to strengthen family relationships, bring your family closer and keep communication open.
If you adopt just one thing from my family guide, I suggest you adopt the weekly family meeting.
A weekly family meeting gives busy family members an opportunity to get together, reconnect, and discuss family-related issues. If your family decided to create a Family Constitution, the family meeting is also a good time for recognizing achievements and addressing concerns.
It’s always a good idea to schedule the family meeting for the same night each week, and to treat it like you treat a business meeting – with respect. Stick to it, and avoid canceling or rescheduling unless you absolutely have to. Expect the same level of respect from other family members as you show.
The family meeting need not be formal. It should be an event the family is looking forward to, so it needs to be short, fun and casual. Start with dinner – make it a fun dinner such as “make your own pizza.” Follow with the meeting, and finish with a family board game.
Remember that everyone should be heard during the meeting. Even the youngest children should have an opportunity to speak their minds and bring up any concern or idea they might have. However, as discussed before, while everyone gets the right to speak up, only Mom and Dad have the right to make the final decision. A family should respect its kids and listen to them, but a family should not be a democracy.
A typical family meeting at our house includes a brief discussion about family business, such as issues and proposals, followed by weekly planning of family dinners and events. We then review the weekly checklist and assign rewards and consequences as appropriate, and finish with “family fun” – either playing games at home or going out for dinner or to a movie.
Photo by woordenaar
Tags: family meetings
Posted in Communication | No Comments »
Saturday, September 5th, 2009
Getting kids to help around the house can be a real challenge. We seem to be living in the “age of entitlement,” where kids no longer ask “how can I help?” but rather “what’s in it for me?” Motivating our busy, self-absorbed kids to help around the house may seem like a lost cause.
Indeed, many parents give up. They find that just doing the chores themselves us quicker and easier than endlessly nagging their kids. While this may work as a short-term solution, it is certainly not a good idea if you want to raise your kids to be responsible members of your household, and – eventually – of society.
While some experts argue that an allowance should not be linked to chores, it has been my experience that a system of rewards and consequences, which includes allowance and chores, works beautifully to motivate kids and to teach them values such as participating in the household tasks, being responsible, and saving.
My view is that an allowance is a privilege, just like TV or sleepovers with friends. As such, my children need to EARN the right to receive this privilege by making good choices. Poor decisions mean they lose privileges, including their allowance or part of their allowance. Our Family Constitution [link] specifies that Jack and Max receive a full allowance on each week they complete their chores on time. When they don’t complete their chores on time, they lose part or all of their allowance.
After our Family Constitution became official, we stopped buying the kids “extras” such as toys and video games. The kids are now expected to purchase these items using their own money. As a result, the boys now distinguish between our money and their own. They discern value and spend accordingly, acquiring important life skills of money management and saving towards a purchase.
Tying allowance with chores is working for my family. Please visit my website, Your Family Constitution, to receive additional, useful parenting tips.
Photo by Three if by Bike
Tags: Allowance, Chores
Posted in Chores | 1 Comment »
Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
When family members don’t talk with each other anymore, family is in trouble.
It may seem like it’s impossible for family members not to talk with each other. After all, we all live in the same house and see each other every single day. But one of the modern family’s big problems is that although people live in the same house, they are so busy doing their own thing, and their life becomes so chaotic, that they never find the time to just talk.
My family used to be like that. My wife and I are working professionals. Our kids are involved in many extra-curricular activities. The busier we all got, the less time we had to effectively communicate with each other or to set a clear system of rules and expectations, and effective tools for enforcing them. We were constantly in survival mode, never taking the time to look at the big picture and add some much-needed structure to the family chaos.
Effective communication enabled my family to function again. My family now thrives under our Family Constitution. But the first step to establishing that Constitution was communicating with my children and with my wife. I started by having the conversation with my wife that we should have made time for years ago. We shared our fundamental parenting objectives. We talked about our views on role modeling, encouragement and discipline. We put together a clear vision for our family that we could both support.
Next, I talked with my children. We talked, and I listened, like I have never listened before. We talked about family issues; about things they would like to change. We discussed issues such as chores, rewards and consequences. Our Family Constitution works, because my children’s input was an integral part of its content.
We now maintain our open communication by having a weekly family meeting. The weekly family meeting is our way to make sure we make time to discuss issues, recognize problems, acknowledge achievements, and in general stay connected.
Click here to learn more about my approach to relieving family tension and solving common family problems.
Photo by meemal
Tags: effective communication, open communication
Posted in Communication | No Comments »
Monday, August 10th, 2009
“But DAD! It’s not fair! You let us stay up late last night! Why not tonight?”
“Mom, please, can I watch just one more show? PLEASE?”
Sounds familiar?
This was part of my daily life until not too long ago. Whining, arguing, and fighting – I have come to almost accept them as part of having kids. But the emotional toll was high. We have become accustomed to constant confrontation and emotional bruising. I was not giving my kids clear directions, nor was I setting boundaries. They, in turn, did everything they could to ignore or change the rules. Whatever discipline methods I tried, they were not effective. It was exhausting, for all of us.
A major meltdown between my son and myself finally opened my eyes to the fact that something must change. It took me a while to realize what exactly was causing our family’s chaos and deep discontent. When I finally realized we simply needed a system of effective discipline through structure, I was finally on the path to healing our family’s emotional wounds and solving our family problems.
Structure has been added to our family through the Family Constitution. The Family Constitution, or parenting through structure, steers kids’ behavior by leveraging mutual understanding, clear expectations and prescribed incentives. First, you identify your values and set clear boundaries, or rules. Then, for each rule, you select rewards and consequences that are both appropriate and viable.
Encouraging kids to stay within boundaries by offering incentives is just as important as enforcing those boundaries with negative consequences. Rewards work even better when the kids are part of the process of selecting them. When it’s a reward they really want, they will make a real effort to follow the rules in order to get that reward.
These days, we argue a lot less with the kids, and we don’t micromanage their activities. They base their daily choices on a very simple formula: being accountable and responsible means reaping the benefits. Ignoring responsibilities means suffering the consequences.
Visit our homepage to receive more parenting tips, and to learn more about effective discipline and about improving your family life with Your Family Constitution.
Photo by Amy
Tags: effective discipline
Posted in Discipline | No Comments »
Thursday, July 30th, 2009
Why is so hard to figure out the best way to manage the internet in your household? If you are like other parents in a recent survey, it’s because because of the double-edged sword it presents for the well-being of your kids, with growth and learning opportunities on one side, and the inherent opportunity to waste time and subject themselves to the negative forces of cyber spacer on the other.
As a parent, I live this conflict with my eleven year-old. I want him to be internet savy for the purposes of education and self-reliance, but I fear the day when hormones kick in and the internet vultures decend on him. If I remember correctly what it is like to be an adolescent boy, I don’t think he’ll be thinking through the social, developmental and financial repercussions of clicking over to view inappropriate material with his friends. Although I hope I am grossly incorrect, the lure of indecency to teenage boys has been a long-standing constant through the generations.
So, what can we do? The first thing is to identify what aspects of internet “opportunity” concern you the most. Is it the endless hours of violent video games that can isolate a child and impair the active lifestyle you envisioned?…the exposure to internet predators?… or the broad availability to satisfy every vice you can think of? Once you’ve crystallized your concerns, think about the various approaches to minimizing them in your household (see Common Sense Tips). Make a list of the rules and tools you would consider implementing, then weigh the potential effectiveness of each against the effort and/or impairments to ”good stuff” the internet offers.
Parenting is not easy. For all the convenience it creates, the connondrum it creates for parents is nothing short of staggering. In the end, all we parents can do is trust our gut, try different techniques, use available resources and hope for the best.
If you would like to know how the quantity of Screen Time (TV, video games and non-academic internet usage) that you allow stacks up against other households, take the online Parent’s Poll.
Posted in Internet, Modern Family, TV | No Comments »
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